I don't do small talk.

There are days where I feel like I’m walking through the world watching a play I never auditioned for. Everyone else seems to know the lines. The nods. The rehearsed greetings. The script.

“Hey, how are you?”

Really?... You’re asking that in the middle of passing me in a grocery aisle, with maybe a half-second of eye contact and no time to actually hear the answer?

I know it’s just what we do.

But…why?

Why do we as humans ....as Americans, more specifically, because I can’t speak for anyone outside the U.S.... guess-default to a question we rarely expect an honest answer to?

We say “How are you?” but we don’t really want to know. We don’t have the time, the emotional energy, or let’s be real-the desire-to pause long enough to hear something deeper than, “I’m good, how are you?”

Sometimes, I want to answer honestly.

“I’m grieving.”

“I’m exhausted.”

“I’m questioning everything.”

“I’m not okay.”

But even when I try to be a little more real-like saying, “I’m alive, I guess”-all I get back is, “Tell me about it,” followed by more silence. It’s still small talk. It’s still hollow.

And I hate it....

And it’s everywhere....

I literally watched it happen in a nail salon today between two people-maybe strangers, maybe friends. One said, “Hi, how are you?” The other said, “I’m good.” Then came the reply: “Good, good.”

And that was it.

No follow-up. No actual conversation. Just a scripted exchange and silence.

I sat there thinking, Ew.....

It felt so fake. So robotic. So rehearsed.

And maybe it wasn’t meant to be. Maybe that’s just what we’ve all settled for...empty pleasantries instead of presence. Familiar lines instead of real connection.

I just hatethe shallowness of it. The superficial rhythm we’re all expected to play along with. The robotic smiles. The automatic phrases.

Even our prayers sometimes sound like that-especially in movies or from people who don’t really know God.

“Bless this food to the nourishment of our bodies…”

Amen.

That’s not prayer. That’s a script.

God isn’t looking for recited lines or robotic blessings. He wants relationship. He wants real. He wants us.

And I think that’s where my frustration lives -in the space between routine and realness. Between custom and connection. Between what we say and what we mean.

We were made for connection. Real, meaningful, heart-to-heart connection. But somewhere along the way, we traded truth for politeness. Vulnerability for “fine.” Depth for the safety of surface-level.

And don’t even get me started on the awkward “nod and smile.” We don’t speak, but if we ignore each other completely, that’s rude too. So we perform this awkward little human dance to fill space, even if we don’t feel anything while doing it.

I guess I’m writing this because I want it to change. But I also know what they say-Change starts with you.

So how do I change it?

Maybe it starts with one honest answer.

Maybe it starts with not asking “How are you?” unless I really want to know.

Maybe it starts with me not playing along just to fit in.

Maybe… it starts with being the kind of person who breaks the script, even if it’s awkward. Even if it’s different. Even if it makes people uncomfortable.

Because real connection requires courage.

And maybe that’s what we’re all starving for....

I’ve even started doing something different in my own life.

Instead of asking my mom “that overused, empty phrase,” I now find myself saying things like

“How’s your heart?”

“Where’s your head at?”

I remember the first time I asked her, she paused and said wow, no one's ever asked me that before. I like that.

She stopped and genuinely thought about it before answering...

Because those questions carry weight. They initiate thought. They leave space for honesty.

And maybe… that’s where the change begins.

With better questions.

With more intention.

With hearts that are ready to actually listen.

There’s something else I’ve started doing too-something that’s become a regular rhythm with the people I love. Once a month, I send them this simple check-in list. It’s something I got from my monthly Silk + Sonder journal and love doing myself.

It’s not just thoughtful-it’s transformational.

And the people in my life have come to expect it, look forward to it, and crave it… because it makes them feel seen.

Here’s what it looks like:

---

Currently…

🩵 Enjoying

💜 Reading

❤️ Loving

💙 Watching

🤍 Planning

💛 Feeling

🧡 Wishing

💚 Anticipating

🖤 Dreading

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It’s not a generic “check-in.”

It’s a conversation starter.

A window into what’s really going on.

And maybe it’s exactly how we start rewriting the script.

I dare you...

Copy that “Currently” list and send it to a few people you love.

Watch what happens....

Watch the conversation flow....

Watch a real connection unfold....

Because it’s not small talk...

It’s soul talk.

And maybe we could all use a little more of that 🤍

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“Let your conversation be always full of grace, seasoned with salt, so that you may know how to answer everyone.”- Colossians 4:6

Kristen, Unfiltered Xo 💋