Tonight I Told God He Had Five Minutes

Tonight I was mad...

Not the cute kind.

Not the dramatic kind.

The tired kind.

The kind where you are already exhausted and someone says something spiritual and it just hits wrong.

My husband and I were in bed listening to an online sermon from a guest speaker.

And he said, “God is a speaking God. And if you have not heard from God, how can you follow Him? How can you be strong in your faith?”

That was the sentence.

That is what triggered me.

I’m really upset, because I’m listening to this and he’s saying, “You just have to listen. You just have to spend more time with Him. You can’t possibly follow someone you’ve never heard from.”

And I’m sitting there thinking… I’ve never heard God’s voice.

I mean...not physically...

Not like a voice.

Not like vibration...

Not like how I hear Adrian talking to me right now.

So I started talking. Processing. Questioning out loud.

“A speaking God?

No.

Not a speaking God.

"I wish.”

Adrian said, “He does speak to us.”

And I said, “Yeah, but he said speaking God.”

Like speaking... you know... vocal cords... Like vibration in the air.

That is what speaking is.

That is how you are hearing me right now.

That is how this sermon was recorded.

That is how we are having a conversation...God is not doing that...

And I could just not get off of it.

I do not even know if it was my OCD latching onto the wording or what, but I was on that train track and I was not getting off anytime soon

“Speaking God."

"If He is a speaking God, then why is He not speaking like us now? Hmmm??"

Adrian said, “I remember the first time I heard God. I was twelve and something just dropped in me.”

And I asked, “What did His voice sound like?”

And he said, “Well… it wasn’t like a voice.”

"Exactly...That is my point."

Then my brain started trying to make sense of it.

I mean...we have our own thoughts...

Then there are the thoughts that clearly do not lead anywhere good...

The ones that spiral.

The ones that are dark.

The ones that push you toward fear or hopelessness or destruction...you know the ones.

I have always understood those as not from God...

Those are the kinds of thoughts Scripture would call the enemy.

The ones that steal, kill, and destroy. The ones that never bring life.

And then there are the thoughts that feel steady... That feel peaceful...That align.

That calm you instead of destabilize you.

The ones that bring conviction without shame.

The ones that draw you toward life..toward hope...toward trust.

Those are the ones I have always believed are from God.

Not audible voices.

But impressions. Nudges. Peace.

Discernment.

But that is very different than a vibrational voice in the air.

And that is what was frustrating me now.

Because if God is Alpha and Omega. If He created the earth. If He spoke light into existence. If He formed humans. If He holds everything together.

Then why can He not just speak?

Like actually speak.

While we are stressed.

While we are depressed.

While our bodies hurt.

While we are just trying to survive this season.

“If I heard a voice from the sky that said, ‘Kristen, stop,’ right now... I would stop.

If I heard Him say, ‘Trust Me,’ I would drop to my knees.

I would do whatever He said...

But He is not saying that."

It all just felt very heavy now.

So I turned it off.

Put on The O.C.

Usually during this depression and dissociation phase, that works.

But this time it did not.

It just left me feeling empty.

Like I needed to face something instead of drown it out.

So I switched from Prime to YouTube and pressed play on the next sermon...

And then I said,

“You have 5 minutes, God.”

Adrian chuckled and said, “Oh… we’re giving God a timer now? Alright then.”

Pastor Joey’s wife started talking...

"Sometimes we become so intent on God giving us a clear answer... like we need it to be right in front of us. Clear. Undeniable."

And I froze.

Because that is exactly what I had just been saying in my monologue...

Exactly.

Word for word...

And I felt something soften.

Adrian pointed at the screen and said, “See? He’s talking to you right now through her. Did you not just say all of that?”

My eyes filled with tears and I said, “I’m sorry. Things are just really hard right now.”

He wrapped his arms around me and said, “I know.”

We both cried.

Then she said:

"Sometimes God just wants to give you the desire of your heart."

And that hit even deeper.

Because the desire of my heart right then on that moment... was not clarity.

It was not certainty...

It was not even answers...

I believe it was to feel like He was not far...

And in that moment… I felt him.

If you have ever felt frustrated like I did… if you have ever wondered why He does not just speak out loud… if you have ever wished for something more...undeniable and clear… answers... direct. You are not alone.

Longing does not mean you lack faith.

Sometimes it just means you want closeness.

Then Adrian looked at me and said, “I remember being exactly where you are. I remember feeling like the way God communicates was not enough. Wanting it to be like how we are talking right now. Clear. Audible. Back and forth.”

He said he has been there.

And I said, “Yeah… I guess on this side of the earth I will have to settle for this. But one day… ya know in heaven… or on the new earth… paradise...I will actually get to speak with Him face to face........I better.”

He smirked and pulled me in again.

And then I said, “This isn’t a faith crisis. I’m not not believing in God. I just...

He stopped me and said, “I know, baby. I see your heart. So does God.” 🙏

And then we finished the sermon like that.

Wrapped up in each other ❤️

No sky voice.

No supernatural vibration.

Just timing.

Three minutes and forty nine seconds in... And he delivered.

Not answers about our future...

Not the outcome...

Not the next step...

Not timelines...

Not the map...

Just the hand.

Just reassurance.

Just Him being near.

Just presence in the middle of it.

Maybe that is enough for now.

Softening.

Recognition.

Arms around me.

And the words, “I see your heart.”

That was the shift.

I was not denying that He meets us.

He meets us through Scripture...

Through songs that land at the exact right moment.

Through messages...

Through other people...

Through thoughts that bring peace instead of chaos.

Through moments that feel too aligned to ignore...

I have felt Him before.

This was not doubt.

It was frustration over a phrase...I guess.

“Speaking God.”

As if that meant audible. Literal. Vibrational.

And I guess what I was really saying is…

I want to hear Him one day.

Actually hear His voice.

And until that day comes, I will take this.

I will take the softening.

I will take the timing.

I will take the closeness.

I will take the feeling of Him being near.

Because tonight, I felt Him.

And that is enough for now.

I will keep feeling Him.

I will keep leaning.

Until the day I hear Him.

Kristen, Unfiltered Xo 💋

“Now we see dimly, but then face to face.” 1 Corinthians 13:12