The Body I Fought… The Body That Stayed | By Kristen, Unfiltered

Dear Body...Almost 30 years on this earth🌎

We’ve been through it, haven’t we?

Some days, I don’t even recognize you. You’ve stretched, scarred, swelled, shrunk, hurt, healed, and carried me through every high and low.

I used to fight you.

Blame you.

Cry in front of mirrors or shocked looking at pictures taken of me...because I began to feel trapped in skin that didn’t feel like mine anymore...

You held the weight of my survival...literally.

When trauma hit, you held it.

When depression sank in, you carried it.

When fibromyalgia set in, you endured it...

Pain in places I didn’t know could hurt...flares that came out of nowhere, exhaustion I couldn’t explain.

When doctors didn’t believe me... you still showed up and you continue to.

You carried me through a miscarriage...through the heartbreak of holding hope and then losing it before I even got the chance to understand what it meant to be a mother...

You endured two years of antidepressants meant to help my mind, but that also numbed and weighed down my body...

You gained 70 pounds after Nexplanon...while I begged mirrors to lie and clothes to stretch just a little more.

I’m sorry for looking at old photos of what I used to look like...longing for her, hating where I got to...without realizing that you held me together through all of it.

Through every pound gained and lost, every ache, every lonely night, every “what happened to me?” spiral...you stayed. You never left.

But now… when I look at the photos from when I was at my biggest, I wince.

Not because I’m ashamed...no...but because I feel this twinge of pain and guilt.

Because I just want to hug her. Hold her. Tell her she's still beautiful...

I want to hold the girl who didn’t give up.

The girl who still showed up...aching, exhausted, unheard, unloved in moments...but still standing.

Because it’s her who worked her ass off and got me to where I am now… and who’s carried me every step toward where I’m going.

Thank you....

From 180 to 250 and back again, you never gave up on me...even when I gave up on you.

You’ve been bruised by trauma…

Weighed down by chronic pain…

Battered by self-judgment…

And burdened by expectations.

But you? You’ve been faithful.

Through every flare-up, every splitting episode, every panic attack, every day I didn’t want to get out of bed or go on anymore… you stayed.

And for that, I’m sorry. . .

For the knuckles I’ve bloodied, the skin I’ve cut, the pain I turned inward...I’m sorry.

You didn’t deserve the punishment for a world that didn’t always treat us kindly.

I’m sorry for turning the lights off...hiding you from the one person who loved you even when I couldn’t...

I’m sorry for the names I’ve called you.

I'm sorry people stopped holding the door open for us...

I'm sorry we stopped getting compliments.

I'm sorry For the times I judged you just like others did...

I'm sorry i put my worth based on numbers on a scale or letters on a tag.

For the meals I’ve skipped, the mirrors I’ve avoided, the photos I’ve deleted.

I’m sorry for the days I treated you like a project instead of a partner.

Because the truth is...you are not the enemy.

You are the home...that God... handcrafted for my soul.

You are the vessel for my purpose.

You are the skin that holds my spirit.

Thank you for fighting to get us back to where we were...

I’m not exactly where I want to be...my goal is to get back to 160 (college weight) and I’m at 180.. but I’m so proud of us! 20 more pounds!!

I am so Proud of the strength.

Proud of the progress.

Proud of the fight it took to lose that weight and show up for myself again.

My confidence is coming back, and I know it’s because we did this...together.

So I’m learning to love you.

To work it out...not to self harm

To nourish you, not to punish you.

To move you with grace, not with guilt.

To listen to you, not silence you.

To say thank you...even when I’m hurting.

Dear body… I’m learning to come home to you.

Not when you’re perfect, but now.

Right here. Right now.

Because healing isn’t just something I do for you...

It’s something I do with you.

We’re in this together now.

Love,

Kristen

(finally, your biggest supporter)

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"Do you not know that your bodies are temples of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God? You are not your own; you were bought at a price. Therefore honor God with your bodies." – 1 Corinthians 6:19-20 (NIV)

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Kristen, Unfiltered Xo 💋