Hello, Depression. We meet again.

If you have never experienced depression...who am I kidding...you live on this planet so you probably have in some form.

Some people probably think it looks like constant crying.

I think that's where it starts...

But depression is not just sadness...

Sometimes it looks like sleeping until 3 PM because being unconscious is easier than being aware.

Sometimes it looks like staring at your phone but not answering anyone.

Or not touching it at all.

Sometimes it looks like taking your meds and still feeling no change.

Sometimes it looks like wanting any distraction from reality.

Food.

Sweet treats.

Any form of serotonin or dopamine hit really...

TV.

Sleep.

Scrolling.

Anything to not sit inside your own mind...

Depression is not dramatic.

It is quiet.

It is heavy.

It is the feeling I tried to explain when I said I am tired of being awake...because...

When I am asleep, I am not bracing.

Depression feels like bracing...ya know?

Like you are waiting for the next hit.

The next setback.

The next not yet.

The next no.

The next I'm not sure.

The next wave of pain.

The next uncertainty.

The next loss.

It's like sitting In a room on fire and being like "This is fine."

You know the meme.

It feels like your life is on fire and your soul is exhausted at the same time and you just feel like a part of you has died.

It feels like dissociation.

It feels like looking for light at the end of the tunnel and realizing you cannot even see the tunnel.

Like it is not just dark...

No.

It is closed in.

Or ripped in half...

Like the tunnel itself collapsed and there is nowhere to move forward through.

Like my future was ripped from me because I do not even know what that looks like anymore.

And instead of moving forward, it feels like my days are repeating...

Wake up.

Manage pain.

Regulate thoughts.

Handle appointments.

Handle calls.

Handle Emails.

Handle conversations.

Handle paperwork.

An attempt at self care or quality time with loved ones... something..anything to keep you holding on...

Get through the day.

Sleep.

Repeat.

Not building.

Not progressing.

Just surviving the same emotional landscape over and over.

Waiting to go back to sleep...

And when you cannot picture your future, and your days feel like copies of each other, your present starts to feel heavier...

Sometimes I try to pray and just do not feel it.

The words come out.

But everything feels far away.

Or like today when I just stopped Mid Prayer.

Because I just don't have the words.

It feels like small pieces of me disintegrates a little more everyday...

God.

Family.

The future.

Far...

All...so far.

And you know what's worse??

when you and your spouse are both going through it, it is worse.

That is worse.

Because when you are both in it at the same time, the other cannot lift the other up...

You look at the person you love and see their suffering too.

In pain...

And you both just feel tired.

We did not ask for this.

We did not plan this.

Our bodies feel collapsed.

Exhausted.

Our life feels paused.

Everyone keeps asking what our future plans are...

It was always the same answer...

"Having our wedding!

Going on our honeymoon.

Having kids!"

Soon...became one day and one day became Hopefully and Hopefully became "I can't see my future, anymore. I'm sorry. Try again later"

Or "To be honest I am taking one day at a time"

Because I am.

One day you wake up and realize it has been three years since you eloped.

And none of those things have happened...

Because our life is paused here.

In Virginia...all alone. Isolated from all family and friends.

All support.

It really is Us against the world these past 4 years away...

The only humans we see besides eachother are now medical personnel are strangers passing by...

We do not know when we will move home.

If...

Or how...

We do not know what our future looks like...

We are not in a place to be parents.

We are not in a place to have a wedding.

We are not in a place to travel.

I can't bathe my dog. How am I supposed to bend over the tub and bathe my child?

My husband is in a walker... Forget it.

Forget all of it.

It feels like our life ended.

I try so hard.

To see the beauty...in creation.

To see the postives in our lifes or In our everyday... And I do see those things.

but when you wake up one day and realize...

I mean a deep soul settling acceptance that the future you always envisioned may very well pass you by...

There's this very quiet...very heavy...slow moving weighted blanket that quietly covers you.

It's not noticeable from others.

Not at first.

Not when you're me.

Not when you're the one who tries so hard to stay positive. To pull up and out. To make the plans. To find the silver lining. To pray the prayers.

God I don't understand...how fast things changed.

How In just 5 years our lives look completely different.

Our life does not look like others.

Work...Travel...Climbing...Planning...Dreaming.

No...not anymore.

Our days are spent managing pain.

Lawyers...Paperwork...Appointments...Physical therapy...

Somewhere along the way, homesickness shifted... ya know?

It stopped being about missing Florida.

It stopped being about getting back to palm trees and familiar roads and the people we love...

Now it feels like I am waiting for something deeper...

In the depths of depression my lifeline is acceptance of my situation on this side of the earth and waiting for the day it will not be like this...

Because this life...

This is not how it was supposed to be...

This world is not normal....

Do you understand that?

I mean truly?

beyond this blog.

beyond my words...

Do you see it?

This is not how God created it...

In the beginning there was no decay.

No degeneration.

No diseases.

No chronic pain.

No mental illness.

No death.

Genesis shows us a world without shame, without fear, without suffering...

But sin entered.

And creation fractured.

Romans 8:22 says the whole creation has been groaning.

Groaning...

When I first read that verse I thought hmmm ...how fitting.

That word feels accurate.

Look. Here I am. Groaning.

This world is fallen.

Scripture calls Satan the ruler of this world in John 12:31

And if you think differently...Look around...

The chaos.

The addictions.

The violence.

The distraction.

The endless numbing.

You think this is what God created earth and humanity for?

That quote from my favorite show has always stuck with me:

“I Look around at this world you're so eager to be a part of and all I see is six billion lunatics looking for the fastest ride out…Who’s not crazy? Look around. Everyone’s drinking, smoking, shooting up, shooting each other, or just plain screwing their brains out because they don’t want them anymore. I’m crazy? Honey, I’m the original one-eyed chicklet in the kingdom of the blind, because at least I admit the world makes me nuts.”

Sometimes it feels like that.

Like everyone is coping.

Escaping.

Numbing.

Running.

And we call that normal?

We drive through pharmacies like they are fast food...

Pick up another prescription...

Another refill...

Another attempt at balancing what feels off inside...

Our biggest form of entertainment is literally created in Hollywood...

Actors and actresses stepping into other realities...

Playing characters.

Living different lives.

And we sit on our couches watching them...

To feel different emotions.

Solve different problems.

Escape into their stories...

Because ours feel heavy.

We binge shows...

Scroll endlessly...

We numb quietly...

We drink to relax...

We medicate to function...

We distract to survive...

And nobody stops to ask why we need so much escape...

Maybe the world makes us tired.

Maybe the constant noise makes us anxious.

Maybe the division makes us lonely.

Maybe the pace makes us exhausted.

We open social media apps and lose hours in someone else’s script...

Because for a moment, it pulls us out of our own...

And nobody talks about how strange that is...

How tired we all are...

How much distraction it takes just to function...

How quick we are to medicate pain of the body...

And numb pain of the mind.

How divided we are...

Race.

Politics.

Religion.

Sexual orientation.

Health.

Class.

Identity.

Sides everywhere...

Lines everywhere...

Labels everywhere...

I mean..my God...

This world feels fractured...

Because it IS!!

And when you say that out loud, people get uncomfortable...

Like Oh no..did i break the script?

I'm sorry, what I meant to say Is "I'M GOOD! HOW ARE YOU!?"

I mean don't you get tired of saying that?

we're all little sims. Everyday repeating the same shit so afraid to break the script. Break the mold. Set off the alarms.

I watched people wake up...one at a time...

It's never enough.

Not for real change.

look around...

Look at the anxiety.

Look at the addiction.

Look at the violence.

Look at the loneliness.

This is not how it was supposed to be...

This is not Eden.

This is not wholeness.

This is not the design.

And maybe the saddest part is that we have adjusted to it...

We have accepted survival as normal.

We have accepted division as normal.

We have accepted exhaustion as normal.

We have accepted escape as normal.

And then we call someone crazy for saying the world feels broken...

But maybe the clarity is admitting it.

Maybe the clarity is saying:

Hey...This is not it...

And that does not mean giving up...

It means recognizing this world, in its current form, is fallen.

Temporary.

Groaning.

Grieving.

And one day it will not be like this...

But maybe admitting the world feels broken is NOT crazy.

Quite the opposite I think.

Maybe it is clarity...

And honestly?

Some days I am just looking forward to paradise...

Not floating in clouds forever...no.

Not some vague spiritual mist forever...

The Bible says in Revelation 21 there will be a new heaven AND a new EARTH.

EARTH. Do you hear that people?

Heaven coming down...

Creation restored...

God dwelling with His people...

Revelation 21:4 says, “He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain.”

No more pain...

No more pills...

No more losing your memory...

No more walkers...

No more flares...

No more mental spirals...

No more waiting...

No more scripts...

Philippians 3:21 says He will transform our lowly body to be like His glorious body.

Transformed.

Whole.

Resurrected.

Jesus rose bodily...

He walked.

He ate.

He existed physically.

That is the model...

Isaiah 65, describes building houses and planting vineyards...enjoying life.

Movement.

Creation.

Exchange.

Exploration.

There is a whole world to explore...

We were not meant to work our lives away until we grow old.

Stay In one place.

We were not meant to wait for weekends.

Wait for vacations.

Wait for the days we feel better.

Wait until we have more money.

Wait...

Wait until we have more time.

We were meant to flourish...

To create...

To steward...

To walk with God in a world that was good...

One day it will be the way it was supposed to be...

This life in its current broken form is not the final design...

Hebrews 13:14 says, “For here we do not have an enduring city, but we are looking for the city that is to come.”

This is temporary.

Like that song by Carrie Underwood says...

“This is my temporary home. It’s not where I belong...

Windows in rooms that I'm passin' through...

This is just a stop, on the way to where I'm going...

I'm not afraid because I know...this is my

Temporary home."

And I feel that now more than ever...

If I had one wish, it would be to walk into that restored world alongside Adrian. Along side my husband.

To be reunited with my loved ones.

The lost.

Axel..

Nana...

To be...

Whole.

Restored bodies.

Restored minds.

Not fragmented.

Not broken.

Walking with Jesus on a renewed earth.

Because this life?

This paused.

Broken.

Groaning version?

This is again...not it.

I don't remember signing up for this.

You see...

Depression is not just sadness.

It is silence.

It is heaviness.

Like a weighted blanket you don't want to even move under.

It is homesickness for something better...

And maybe that homesickness is actually hope... that one day...It will not always be like this...

And maybe "One day" will have to be enough...

The real...the one...the only...Kristen, Unfiltered.

Xo 💋