Allow

Tonight I was sitting with my March Silk + Sonder journal, candle lit, when I came across this poem.

“Allow” by Danna Faulds:

“There is no controlling life.

Try corralling a lightning bolt,

containing a tornado. Dam a

stream and it will create a new

channel. Resist, and the tide

will sweep you off your feet.

Allow, and grace will carry

you to higher ground. The only

safety lies in letting it all in

the wild and the weak; fear,

fantasies, failures and success.

When loss rips off the doors of

the heart, or sadness veils your

vision with despair, practice

becomes simply bearing the truth.

In the choice to let go of your

known way of being, the whole

world is revealed to your new eyes.”

I read it once.

Then I read it again.

“There is no controlling life.”

That line settled into me in a way I was not

expecting.

Lately I have been thinking about timelines.

If it does not happen soon, will it ever?

If we stay too long, will we never leave?

If certain things do not move forward fast enough, do they quietly slip away...???

Watching different life paths unfold around me has reminded me of something sobering.

There is no perfect order.

You can move forward boldly and still find yourself waiting.

You can invest years into a future and still lose what you thought was guaranteed.

You can do everything right and still face uncertainty.

Loss does not always mean death.

Sometimes it is the loss of certainty.

The loss of control.

The loss of the version of the future we assumed was promised.

And when “loss rips off the doors of the heart,”

the only practice left is “simply bearing the truth.”

The truth that nothing is guaranteed...

The truth that speed does not secure outcomes.

The truth that waiting does not equal failure.

The truth that today is what I actually have.

And today...In this moment I find myself thinking of Adrian.

How lucky I am.

How blessed I am to still have him.

To be able to go through all of this together.

In seasons that feel heavy...

In seasons that feel uncertain...

In seasons that are not light...

In winter seasons...

In quiet seasons...

In seasons that require more endurance than celebration.

In seasons where joy takes more effort.

In seasons where we are both learning how to carry our own weight.

In seasons that stretch us more than we expected.

Nothing changed overnight...

I just chose to see what is still here.

Even in depression, grace still shows up in small, steady ways.

I have a husband.

He is still alive.

And so am I.

And tonight, I have him...

That is not small.

That is not something I want to overlook while worrying about the next chapter.

Allowing does not mean giving up on what I hope for.

It means loosening my grip.

It means trusting that grace carries better than control ever could...

It means allowing this season to shape me instead of fighting it.

Maybe safety is not found in securing the future.

Maybe safety is found in allowing today.

And tonight, I am going to cuddle up next to my husband and thank God for him.

I am grateful, God

Deeply..eternally grateful.

Kristen, Unfiltered Xo 💋

“Teach us to number our days, that we may gain a heart of wisdom.”Psalm 90:12