The Woman in the Walls

By Kristen, Unfiltered Xo 💋

...I’ve watched Buffy the Vampire Slayer since I was ten. It’s woven into my story the way old songs live in your bones. But sometimes a scene doesn’t just land... it arrives... like it’s been waiting for you to grow into it. That’s what happened when I rewatched “Restless” (Season 4 finale) and saw Buffy find her mom, Joyce, living inside the wall.

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💤 Buffy’s dream

In Buffy’s dream, she walks through familiar spaces .... part dorm, part high school, part home ....a reflection of how her world has started to split between who she was and who she’s becoming. Then she finds her mother, Joyce, living inside the wall.

Joyce smiles through a small opening in the plaster and says she’s fine, that she’s made lemonade and learned to play mah-jongg. Buffy frowns softly and asks, “Mom, why are you in the walls?”

That moment has always stuck with me...and I watched In genuine confusion before...But now, watching it again as an adult In this exact season Buffy’s In...I understood it with perfect clarity.

Because Joyce isn’t trapped. She’s simply there ...In the home and town Buffy left behind. Buffy’s life has expanded into new spaces...college, love, duty, independence...but her mom isn’t part of those worlds anymore. Buffy only sees her when she goes home, when she steps back inside those walls... Joyce lives within the structure of her past ....the house that raised her ....and Buffy has to visit to feel that connection again.

And that’s what growing up feels like.

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💭 How I see it now

I relate to that scene so deeply now, in ways I couldn’t when I was younger. Like Buffy, I’ve moved away and built my own life...a home in another state with my husband, our pets, and my own responsibilities. My mom and I love each other so much, but our lives don’t overlap the way they once did when we lived rooms or cities apart...

When I visit Florida, I step back into her world. I see her within her walls.... she holds my childhood...our laughter, our history, our memories... and then I return to mine here in Virginia, where my day-to-day is filled with managing a home, caring for my husband and our pets...all while learning to live gently through chronic illness.

So when Buffy asks, “Mom, why are you in the walls?” I feel that ache. Because sometimes that’s exactly how it feels ... like I can only reach my mom through the walls of her home, within the space that once felt like my whole world... But it isn't anymore... It's simply apart of my world now. I love her... I miss her, and I carry a bit of guilt for the distance. But I also know this is what life and love looks like when you grow.

When your worlds no longer overlap, but still quietly touch...

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🌿 The meaning that stays with me

Buffy’s dream isn’t about loss anymore as they usually are...It's about love that changes shape. It’s about realizing that our mothers never really leave us... they just move into the foundation. They become part of the walls that hold us up, even from afar.

Because love like that doesn’t fade. It settles into the structure of who we are.

Every time I call my mom, or see something that makes me think of her, or visit Fl...I feel her there. Still in the walls. Still part of me.

So, Mom...If you’re reading this...I love you.

You’re still in my walls.

You always will be.

📖 “You think you know what’s to come… what you are. You haven’t even begun.” - Tara, “Restless”

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Psalm 139:10 -“Even there Your hand will guide me, Your right hand will hold me fast.”

Proverbs 31:28- “Her children rise up and call her blessed.”