Life Humbled Me: Why I’ll Never Again Judge Anyone for How They Look or Act

I was fat for two years.

I want to say that plainly, because for two years, that's how the world saw me. That's how I saw me.

Before that, I was healthy, confident, and honestly, pretty by most people’s standards. Doors were held open for me. Strangers smiled at me. Compliments were easy to come by.

It felt good. It made me feel special. Worthy. Seen.

Back then, I’ll be real: I looked at people who seemed sad, angry, unkempt, obese or/and withdrawn and thought they just weren’t trying hard enough.

Why can’t they just do something about it? I thought.

Why are they so mad? What's with the attitude? Why can't they just exercise? Do their hair? Put on some makeup? Get a new outfit? Just put in some effort to look nice and be happy.

I thought if they had some confidence, they’d feel better.

It felt so simple from where I stood.

I didn’t think of it as being judgmental.

But then life humbled me.

And I got to experience the other side.

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The Weight Gain and What People Didn’t See:

After getting off antidepressants, battling kidney issues, navigating miscarriage grief, and facing Nexplanon side effects, and eating a lot more tbh... I gained 70 pounds in one year.

I went from a size M/L to a 2XL, eventually topping out at 250 pounds!!!

But you know what hurt as much as the health struggles?

The way people treated me.

I watched the doors stop being held for me.

The friendly smiles disappeared.

Compliments were rare, if they came at all.

I became invisible at best...disapproved of at worst.

I wasn’t the cute blonde “girl next door” anymore.

I was “the fat girl.”

It felt like the whole world decided I wasn’t worth seeing.

I get it. I slowly began to feel the same way about myself.

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The Shift Inside Me

Something shifted inside me...

I kept trying to do my makeup and hair the way I always had.

But the mirror stopped hyping me up. It felt cruel.

Every flaw felt magnified.

All I could see were the ways I wasn’t who I used to be.

The insecurity started slowly at first, then all at once.

I remember when it turned to anger.

I’d try everything...the angle, the lighting, the filters...Just to get one selfie I actually liked...

And still didn’t...

Before...I didn’t even have to try.

Eventually...I stopped altogether.

I avoided mirrors completely.

My camera roll went from full of selfies to none.

I didn’t even notice until one day I scrolled back and realized I hadn’t taken a single selfie in a year.

I wore big clothes and baggy sweats, hoping to hide.

I lost interest in everything.

I felt depressed. Small.

More than anything?

I didn’t want to be seen at all.

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Intimacy and Self-Image

(Sex talk warning ⚠️)

I turned the lights off in our bedroom.

I didn’t want my Fiancé/Husband to see me.

If I thought he was looking...I’d freeze or get so insecure that I couldn’t even enjoy being close.. Once I got out of my head...I was able to but it wasn’t easy... because I was In my head too much about how I "looked"

Sex wasn’t hard because of him...It was hard because of me...

Because to want it...I had to feel sexy...

And I didn’t.

I got to the point where I just wanted to walk in and out of a store without anyone noticing me...

I wanted to be invisible...

And maybe, deep down, I already felt like I was...

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The Candle Bar Moment

One day sticks with me the most.

I was at a beautiful little nail salon in Fayetteville, North Carolina...called The Candle Bar.

I had just gotten engaged to a man who loved me for who I was, even though I was struggling so deeply with loving myself.

She looked at me and gently said:

“I hope you don’t take this the wrong way, but maybe try standing a little taller, looking up more? Smiling more...You’ll feel more confident.”

She meant well.

But I had tears in my eyes.

I realized my lack of self-confidence had become so visible on the outside that strangers could see it.

It was so easy for someone to assume I just wasn’t trying.

That I didn’t know how to hold my head high.

But I did know.

I’d been that girl before.

I even pulled out my phone and showed her a picture of me before the weight gain. All dressed up. Smiling. Confident.

She was shocked.

“Oh wow, you looked so beautiful there!”

It was meant as a compliment.

But it cut deep.

Because I was still me.

Even in sweats.

Even heavier.

I remember thinking: She’s still in there…I think.

That night I told her quietly:

“Yeah. I miss that. I’ll get back there.”

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The Truth About Weight and Health:

People love to act like weight is simple math.

"Just eat less."

"Go to the gym."

"Put down the fork."

And you know what? Shamefully, I used to think that too.

I even remember saying it out loud once.

“Well, it would probably help if they just put the fork down.”

I’m embarrassed to admit it.

Because yes...eating habits are part of it...but it’s far from all of it.

On the other side of it, and even now after gaining and losing weight, I see how complicated it really is.

I see that sometimes, we need to change our whole idea of what a "treat" is.

We often look at dessert as the reward.

But sometimes, the real treat is treating your body well.

Giving your body what it actually needs.

Thinking less about how good something will taste right now, and remembering how it will make you feel later.

Because I know now: when we do have a sweet treat, it tastes amazing in the moment.

But afterward? We feel sluggish, foggy, Tired, Sick.

It’s not about punishment.

It’s about care.

It’s about love...for yourself.

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Complications:

Three years ago, I was diagnosed with fibromyalgia...a chronic musculoskeletal pain condition that drains your energy and leaves you with brain fog.

At 28, I was hospitalized for four days with acute renal failure. I was almost put on dialysis.

Even now, I have to avoid certain foods and medications because they’re excreted through my kidneys. I have to monitor and track everything.

After that hospitalization, I was put on an anti-inflammatory diet to protect my kidneys and manage daily pain.

I still try to stick to it today, with the occasional treat or date night.

Because for me, this wasn’t just about confidence...

It was about survival now.

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The Hard Work No One Sees

No one looking at me in 2XL sweats saw any of that.

They didn’t see:

The self-hatred.

The fear.

The relentless, daily pain that never stops.

The ER visits and hospital stays.

The depression that swallowed me.

The tears.

The anger.

The grief I was carrying quietly.

They didn't see me quietly trying to find clothes because I had to buy all new sizes-XL, then 2XL.

They didn't see me trying to find clothes that hid the places I feel most insecure-like my back fat...

Even now...People don't see me reading every label in the store.

They don’t see me wondering how many pounds this meal is will add.

Or worrying about a number on a scale on an obsessive loop.

They didn't see me wincing in pain trying to exercise to lose the weight and strengthen my muscles to fight the pain.

They didn't see me crying in my car because I wanted so badly to feel healthy again.

They didn’t see the fear of ending up back in the hospital.

They didn't see the memory loss, the brain fog, the confusion, the second-guessing of myself...

They didn't see Adrian quietly encouraging me to keep going when I wanted to give up on life in general. The self hatred. The pain.

It was too much...

They didn’t see the real battles.

They just saw someone "Fat"

They just saw a girl who seemed angry at the world, closed-off, and insecure.

And the truth is...I was.

And they didn’t care why.

They just judged me for it.

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I’m proud of the work I did to get here.

But I also know it was privilege.

I had my husband’s support.

Access to healthier food.

The time to focus on healing.

Not everyone has that.

And even if they do?

No one owes you thinness.

No one owes you beauty.

No one owes you looking “put together” all the time.

Because at the end of the day?

They’re still people.

They still deserve kindness.

Dignity.

Respect.

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Losing the Weight...But Not Forgetting:

Today, I’ve lost the 70 pounds.

I’m back to a M/L.

I’m slowly rebuilding my confidence and feeling like myself again.

But here’s the thing no one tells you: after being that big for 2.5 years, you don’t just see yourself as “small” again overnight.

It wasn’t until one day when I put on a medium-sized pajama set and it actually fit that I paused and thought:

Wow. I’m really here again.

It was such a strange, emotional and beautiful moment...And there have been other moments, too...

When people started holding doors for me again.

Smiling at me again.

Complimenting me again.

When babies looked at me with that open, delighted gaze I used to take for granted.

Again,I used to love all that

Now, it feels a little bittersweet...

Because I see the truth in it.

I see how differently the world treats you when you’re considered “pretty” or “thin” or “put together.”

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Another Thing I'm Grateful For:

My husband and I fell for each other at a time when neither of us were at our physical best.

We both carried extra weight.

We were both battling depression...

And both Navigating health struggles and stress.

But we saw each other...

We connected on something deeper...

Because looks only get you so far.

They don’t last forever.

They can’t carry you through the worst days of your life.

I used to care so much about the shallow things.

But life taught me different...

Who will hold you when you’re grieving the loss of a parent?

Who will answer the hard call and break the news gently?

Who will talk to the doctor when you can’t stop crying?

Who will help you bathe, feed you, sit with you in the hospital?

Who will hold your hand on your deathbed?

These are the things that matter.

There’s a line in the song Young and Beautiful that asks:

"Will you still love me when I’m no longer young and beautiful?" 🎶🎵

I know the answer for us.

I know without a doubt my husband will...

And he knows I will, too...

Because we fell in love with the parts of each other that time can’t take away ♡

That’s the kind of love I want to encourage here...

Not just in romantic relationships-but in how we see everyone.

Because when you look past appearances, you find real humans.

People with dreams, heartbreak, resilience, hope.

People who deserve kindness.

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And I Want to Be Clear:

I’m still not exactly where I want to be yet.

I’m far from where I was, but I’m still learning to accept the stretch marks and changes.

I’m still learning to feel truly confident naked In the mirror, or In a swimsuit and to own the body I fought for and am still fighting for...

But I am proud.

Because I’m not who I was before-and I don’t ever want to be that unkind or judgmental again.

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I've Been Judged in Every Season of My Life:

If there’s one thing I’ve learned, it’s that people will always find something to judge you for.

✅ Too pretty to be smart.

✅ Too big to be attractive.

✅ Too young to be disabled.

✅ Too scattered or slow to be taken seriously.

I’ve lived all those.

I'm still living them.

I’m not imagining it.

And I don’t want to be part of continuing that cycle for anyone else.

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The Veil That Lifted:

God used every bit of it to change my heart.

To humble me.

To make me more compassionate.

To teach me to see people-Not just appearances.

I want to be more like Jesus, when he was here on earth...who loved anyone regardless of what they looked like, how much money they had, or what their reputation was...

If God can use me-even just me-to make this world a little kinder, I want Him to 🙏

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I’ve Become Someone Who Calls It Out Now:

When I hear someone judge another person for their looks, their weight, their mood, their health, I say:

“Hey. Don’t do that. You don’t know what they’re going through.”

I know how it feels to be on the other side of that now.

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My Hope for Anyone Reading This:

I hope for those of you who judge others like I did-God doesn’t have to teach you the hard way.

But if He does, I hope someone is kinder to you than you’re being right now.

Because you don’t know what someone is carrying.

You don’t know their story.

We don’t need more people who only hold doors for the pretty girls...

We need more people who hold doors for everyone.

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Be kind. Always. No matter what someone looks like.

Because you don’t know their story.

And you never know how much one small act of compassion might mean to someone who feels invisible.

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"Above all, love each other deeply, because love covers over a multitude of sins." - 1 Peter 4:8

Kristen, Unfiltered XO 💋