Learning to Speak the Languages of Love & Repair

We’ve all heard of the Love Languages -the five different ways we give and receive love: Words of Affirmation, Acts of Service, Receiving Gifts, Quality Time, and Physical Touch.

But what I didn’t realize until recently is that there’s also something called Apology Languages.

And let me tell you... they change everything.

Just like love, apologies don’t land the same way for everyone. One person wants to just move on and pretend it never happened, while the other is still carrying the weight of the hurt. That doesn’t work. That’s called sweeping it under the rug or disappearing until the tension fades. But none of those responses bring real repair... and none of them build stronger connection.

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Why I'm sharing this-

I recently listened to an Audible book called The 5 Apology Languages (by Gary Chapman-the same author who wrote The 5 Love Languages).

Growing up, I read books constantly-especially in high school. But with fibromyalgia, reading eventually started to trigger migraines. Now, instead of curling up with a physical book, I soak in my knowledge through podcasts and Audibles. And honestly? I love it. You can turn one on while you drive, shower, cook, or even just relax.

This particular book opened my eyes. I never realized before that, just like love, we all give and receive apologies in different ways too. And once I understood that, so many of my relationships suddenly made sense.

As soon as I finished listening, I went straight to the quiz-and of course, I had Adrian take it too.

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Our results-

Our results were almost identical, and suddenly it clicked why we “get” each other the way we do.

My Results:

Make Restitution – 35%

Planned Change – 31%

Accept Responsibility – 23%

Expressing Regret – 12%

Request Forgiveness – 0%

Adrian’s Results:

Make Restitution – 36%

Planned Change – 32%

Expressing Regret – 20%

Accept Responsibility – 8%

Request Forgiveness – 4%

We both scored highest in Make Restitution and Planned Change. That means for both of us, an apology doesn’t feel complete unless it’s backed up with action and with a plan for how to do better next time.

Restitution is about making it right in the moment-restoring what was broken and proving love through repair. Planned Change is about ensuring it won’t happen again...building a strategy to avoid the same hurt in the future. Together, those two are what make an apology feel genuine and complete.

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Breaking down the five apology languages-

💜 Make Restitution (35% me / 36% Adrian)

This is my top score and Adrian’s too. For us, love looks like: “I’ll make this right because you matter.”

What this apology sounds like:

“I should have handled that differently. I should have said ______ instead, and I see how my words/actions hurt you.”

“What can I do or say to make things right between you and me?”

“Can we back up and let me try to fix this? I really want to mend the damage I’ve caused.”

When someone actively repairs the hurt, I feel safe again. If trust was broken, I want to see it rebuilt. If something was damaged, I want to see it restored. It’s not about perfection- it’s about effort that proves: you love me enough to repair what was broken.

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💜 Planned Change (31% me / 32% Adrian)

This one hits almost as hard, because if there’s no plan for next time, odds are it’s just going to happen again. I’ve realized this about myself, my spouse, and others: real change requires a plan.

What this apology sounds like:

“I know what I’ve been doing is not helpful. What would you like to see me change that would make this better for you?”

“If I am ever again upset with you, I promise to gather my thoughts and approach you directly and respectfully.”

“Next time I’m going to pause, breathe, and walk away for a minute instead of snapping at you.”

That “next time…” creates a plan for the next time you feel that emotion or face that problem again -especially if it’s a frequent trigger. It’s not about promising perfection; it’s about building a real strategy for handling things differently in the future.

It’s important to make a dedicated plan for change. Apologies often fail here because the person never sets clear steps to ensure success. Taking baby steps instead of trying to overhaul everything at once increases the chances of real growth.

And the truth is, change is hard. There will be highs and lows. But constructive change is possible when someone is genuinely ready to do the work.

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💜 Accept Responsibility (23% me / 8% Adrian)

This one matters to me deeply. When someone says, “You’re right, I shouldn’t have done that,” it melts so much tension.

The truth is, we’re all going to act in a moment of anger, heightened emotions, or stress and say something we regret. We’ve all handled situations wrong before- I’ve done it, you’ve done it, and so has every person we’re close to. And it’s not going to stop. We will continue to stumble, because we’re human.

That’s why this apology language is so important. It’s not about perfection, it’s about owning it when we fall short.

What this apology sounds like:

“You’re right, I shouldn’t have done that.”

“I was wrong, and I’m sorry.”

“I shouldn’t have said that to you.”

Admitting you are wrong creates vulnerability. It allows the other person to get a glimpse of your true heart. And that glimpse is the assurance that the apology was sincere.

Being sincere in your apology means allowing yourself to be weak and admit your mistakes. Though this may be hard for some people, it makes a world of difference.

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💜 Expressing Regret (12% me / 20% Adrian)

While words don’t carry the full weight for me, they still matter when paired with action. Sometimes, simply hearing heartfelt regret softens the moment and opens the door to real repair.

What this apology sounds like:

“It stresses me out to know that you were waiting on me. I regret the frustration and worry I caused you.”

“I feel bad that we were late because of me. I know that put extra stress on you, and I regret not managing my time better.”

“I feel awful knowing my words hurt you -that was never my heart, and I regret that I said it that way.”

“Expressing Regret” is a powerful Apology Language because it gets right to the point. It doesn’t make excuses or attempt to deflect blame. Above all, “Expressing Regret” takes ownership of the wrong. For that reason, it’s often understood as a sincere commitment to repair and rebuild the relationship.

Even though it’s not my strongest score, I’ve learned that regret-filled words can still be powerful when they’re genuine. They’re often the first bridge back to connection -and when combined with action, they carry real healing.

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💜 Request Forgiveness (0% me / 4% Adrian)

Here’s the funny part -my lowest score was Request Forgiveness, at a solid 0%. 😂

And honestly? That makes perfect sense. I’ve never needed someone to tell me I’m forgiven. I can feel it when the ice has melted, when the tension is gone, and when we’re close again. That’s always been enough for me. Because of that, I assumed it was obvious to others too- if we were good again, then of course forgiveness had already happened.

But recently I realized maybe I should actually say it out loud sometimes. Maybe it would be nice for someone to hear, “I forgive you.” For me, that phrase doesn’t carry weight, but for someone else, it could mean everything.

What I need is action, accountability, and change. Once I see that, forgiveness comes naturally... because the trust has been restored. But just asking for it? That doesn’t move me forward.

What this apology sounds like (for people who do value it):

“Will you forgive me for the way I handled that?”

“I know I hurt you, and I’m asking for your forgiveness because I don’t want this mistake to stay between us.”

“Please forgive me. I never meant to make you feel that way, and I don’t want to lose the closeness we have.”

For those whose primary apology language is forgiveness, hearing the actual word forgive is critical. Without it, they feel like the wound is still open.

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My reflection-

I love this quiz because it didn’t just show me how I like to receive apologies...it also showed me how I naturally give them. And honestly? That part shocked me.

I realized that when I apologize, I almost always walk through every single step without even thinking about it. The first thing I do is admit my wrongdoing. Then I usually express regret, take accountability, try to make restitution, and explain how I’ll handle it differently next time.

The only one I don’t do is asking for forgiveness... because that’s just not part of my language.

And when I saw that, it clicked: this is probably why my apologies are usually well received. I didn’t even realize it, but I’ve been apologizing in almost all of the apology languages... not just one.

I think that’s the secret. At the very least, we should learn to apologize in the language the other person needs. But if you can genuinely weave in all of them, it creates a kind of apology that’s undeniable...one that carries ownership, action, and heart. That’s the kind of apology that doesn’t just smooth things over, it actually repairs and restores the relationship.

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Confrontation=Closeness

This whole process also made me realize something important about myself: for me, confrontation actually equals closeness.

Most people run from confrontation because they see it as conflict. But I see it as the path to connection.

When I confront someone, it’s not because I want to fight... it’s because I care. I want clarity. And clarity gives me safety. And safety brings me closer to the people I love.

That’s why I can’t let things bottle up or sit in silence. Silence feels like distance to me. If something is off, I need to put it on the table, talk about it, and work through it. That’s how I feel peace.

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Why our marriage feels safe

No wonder our marriage feels so safe. Adrian doesn’t run when I confront him... he leans in. And I do the same for him.

It goes much smoother when we approach each other respectfully and calmly, but the truth is we don’t avoid conflict. We don’t sweep things under the rug. We face it, talk it out, and apologize- no matter how small or big. We do it in the way the other actually needs, and we grow closer from it.

That’s why even after hard moments, we don’t fall apart. We heal and move forward.

My marriage has become the healthiest relationship of my life-not because it’s perfect, but because we’ve learned that conflict doesn’t have to divide. With the right language, it can actually bring you closer.

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Why other relationships feel harder-

But it also made me realize something else. This is exactly why some of my other relationships feel harder.

Sometimes, it’s not even about mismatched apology languages-it’s about avoidance altogether. One person just wants to move on and pretend it never happened, while the other is still carrying the weight of the hurt. That doesn’t work.

That’s called sweeping it under the rug and hoping it goes away. Or shutting the conversation down. Or disappearing until the tension fades. But none of those are real repair... and none of them build stronger connection.

It’s honestly a sad mentality to see, especially because most of the people who do this are much older than me...some by decades and yet I find myself being the one with more emotional maturity in these moments. I’ve learned that true strength isn’t in silence or avoidance. It’s in admitting wrong, repairing it, and creating closeness again.

And honestly? That feels like almost everyone else besides me and Adrian.

I’ve found that sometimes I do eventually get the reconciliation and the words that I need...but usually it happens behind "closed doors" after silence, distance, or even a long break. And by the time it finally comes, it’s drawn out, heavy, and exhausting.

But I truly believe it doesn’t have to be that way. If you realize you’ve hurt someone, take accountability. Express regret. Try to make it right with restitution. Lay out a plan for change. If you do this quickly, you’ll be right back to normal again and on your merry way.

Some people think this process is exhausting and unnecessary. But what I actually think is exhausting is dragging things out for what feels like 17 business days to 17 business years. Meanwhile, Adrian and I usually take 17 seconds to 17 minutes, and we’re back to normal again. That’s the difference repair makes.

And here’s what I’ve realized: something also happens inside of you when you apologize this way. At first, it’s hard. You have to swallow your pride, be vulnerable, and put yourself out there. But the reward isn’t just what it does for the other person or even for the relationship- it’s also what it does in you.

Every time I’ve immediately taken accountability, expressed regret, made restitution, and laid out a plan for change, I’ve walked away feeling more mature, more put together, and with more respect for myself. Because that’s real strength.

The opposite-deflecting, running away, shutting down, hiding, blocking...that’s cowardice. It doesn’t get you anywhere. Not in life, not in relationships. And honestly, any therapist will tell you the same thing. Everything I’ve learned from therapy, from self-help books, from my own lived experiences has shown me that accountability, vulnerability, and repair are always the way forward.

I have deep respect for anyone who can lean into that. Because it’s not weakness- it’s wisdom.

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Why everyone should take these quizzes

If you haven’t taken these yet, start here:

👉 Apology Languages: https://5lovelanguages.com/quizzes/apology-language

👉 Love Languages: https://5lovelanguages.com/quizzes/love-language

Take them yourself. Take them with your spouse. Share them with your parents, siblings, best friends. Talk about your results. Notice where you line up- and where you don’t.

Because love and repair aren’t just about intentions- they’re about translation. And when you learn someone’s language, you give them the gift of truly being seen.

💜 Kristen, Unfiltered Xo 💋

“Do all that you can to live in peace with everyone.” Romans 12:18