Cheating Doesn’t Start With a Kiss

It feels like everywhere you look today, entertainment is filled with cheating.

Every show...

Every storyline...

Every plot twist...

It feels like you cannot escape it.

And I did not want that.

I just wanted one show...

One safe show.

One relationship I could watch without constantly bracing for betrayal...

So I decided to watch something a little older, like the rest of my comfort shows from the early 2000's.

I thought maybe if I go back a little, it would be different...

So before I started The O.C as it was on my list- I literally asked ChatGPT straight up if there was cheating in it.

I was told no.

So I thought, perfect!

The first two seasons felt safe.

Comforting, even.

Really good show.

There was one marriage in particular that felt different.

Strong.

Stable.

Loyal.

Honestly, it reminded me of me and Adrian...

The values.

The boundaries.

The way they showed up for each other.

The way they felt grounded.

The way they actually seemed to protect their marriage.

I trusted it.

I really did.

And then it happened.

I was shocked.

Not once.

Multiple times...

And what frustrated me the most is this:

People always say things like,

“It just happened.”

“I was caught in the moment.”

Or the worst kind of all, they just do not tell their spouse at all...

But they're wrong... it does not just happen.

And I watched it happen step by step.

Because cheating does not start with a kiss.

It starts with positioning.

Private dinners.

Emotional closeness.

Long calls.

In depth conversations.

Being alone in vulnerable settings.

Alcohol involved.

Access.

Time.

Opportunity.

Secrecy.

Hidden messages.

Feelings.

That is where it begins...

Long before the kiss ever happens.

And once you really see that, you cannot unsee it.

Kirsten and Jimmy:

The first time, I was actually proud of Kirsten..

Her old best friend Jimmy came back into her life.

Someone who had always loved her.

I saw the signs immediately.

Too much time together.

Too much emotional closeness.

Too much familiarity.

Too much access.

I was literally thinking, be careful...

And when he tried to kiss her (saw that coming) she pushed him away...

Good!!

She told him no.

She told her husband Sandy.

And she cut it off...

And I thought, okay...aside from letting it get too close in the first place, you did the right thing after it crossed the line.

You pulled away.

You did not allow it.

You told him he was wrong.

You told your husband.

You stopped talking to him.

That mattered to me.

That was the only time in this whole mess where I thought, okay, at least there was honesty here. At least there was accountability here. At least the spouse was told.

Sandy and Rebecca:

Then came Sandy.

His first love Rebecca came back into his life.

And right there, that should have been the boundary.

He should have never taken that case.

It was too personal.

Too complicated.

Too loaded.

This was not just a client.

This was someone he had history with.

Someone he used to love.

Someone emotionally connected to him already.

And from there it just kept building.

He got personally involved.

He hid things from his wife.

He literally hid her from the police.

He got her a hotel.

He brought her food.

He stayed.

He talked.

He ate with her.

He drank with her.

He built connection.

And that is exactly the problem.

This should have never happened in the first place.

The second she came back into his life, that should have been the boundary.

Immediately.

He should have cut it.

Because that is where it starts.

Not the kiss.

The access.

The time.

The conversations.

The secrecy.

The emotional connection rebuilding.

The omission of truth.

Because omission is still lying.

And of course she still had feelings for him.

And of course she kissed him. He kissed her back.

And again, people would say,

“It just happened.”

No.

It did not...

Look at everything that led up to it.

Every step.

The Emotional and the physical ones...

Every conversation.

Every opportunity.

Every boundary that got ignored.

Kirsten and Carter:

Then later came Kirsten and Carter.

And this one was even harder to watch because now it felt like the pattern was fully set...

Sigh...

This time she did not tell her husband anything.

And it started the same way it always starts.

Work.

Late meetings.

One on one time.

Private dinners.

Emotional closeness growing behind the excuse of work.

And let me say this very clearly.

Having a coworker is fine.

Having meetings is fine.

Late nights alone together? Absolutely not. Go home to your husband.

A work dinner with a bunch of employees? I guess.

But one on one?

Absolutely not.

I do not care what excuse it is under.

I do not care what it is labeled as.

I do not care what the subtext is supposed to be.

I do not care what the disguise is.

If it is one man and one woman going out alone repeatedly, that is a date.

Call it work.

Call it harmless.

Call it networking.

Call it innocent.

I do not care.

If the setting is intimate, the access is repeated, and the emotional connection is building, you are creating the exact environment where feelings grow.

Then comes the winery.

And I am sorry, but no.

Unless your literal job is being a wine critic or winery expert, I do not think it is appropriate to go off with another man, drink together, spend all that personal one on one time together, and then act like it is still just work.

That is not just work.

That is positioning.

That is how people walk themselves right up to the edge and then later act confused when something happens.

They originally asked for a car because they could not drive. (Go figure)

The hotel says they cannot get one right then, but they can give them a room for the night before the out of town meeting. (Of course)

And they take it.

One room.

One bed.

And I am sitting there like, what they hell are you doing????

You could have easily said, we need two rooms.

You two are not married...

This is supposedly work...

There is no reason to share one room and one bed...

That alone makes no logical sense at all.

That alone is already crossing a line.

That alone is the recipe for cheating.

And then she calls Sandy. (She remembers she's married here, good sign)

She tells him they have been drinking and the hotel offered them a room for the night before the out of town meeting.

Smh

And his response is basically, yeah, I agree, it is not worth dying over. You guys be safe. I love you.

And I was sitting there like, what???

Then his friend literally says "Ya know...not many men would be okay with their wife being alone with another man in a hotel room overnight out of town... let alone suggest it."

And Sandy says, "How many men do you know who have been married 20 years?"

And I thought…

What marriage?

This is basically an open marriage now...

Because now your wife is alone in a hotel room overnight out of town with another man, in one room, one bed...but okay.

And I am just watching this thinking… this is insane.

That is not work.

That is not innocent.

That is not professional.

That is not a marriage being protected.

And then comes the moment that hit me the most.

He is in the shower.

She is sitting there on the bed.

And you can feel it...

She is fighting the temptation to join him.

The thought.

The moment.

The decision.

And then there is a knock at the door. (Saved by the bell)

Someone from the hotel tells her they actually found a car for her if she still wants to go home instead of staying there.

And immediately I thought of the Bible...

How God gives you a way out when you are about to sin.

A way of escape.

A door.

A choice.

“God is faithful; He will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, He will also provide a way out so that you can endure it.”

1 Corinthians 10:13

And I was literally praying she would take it.

Because that was the out.

That was the moment.

That was the chance to stop it before it crossed the final line.

And she did.

She said she needed to go home.

She chose to leave.

And I will give her that.

She made the right decision in that moment although she already crossed too many lines...

Carter knew too... He knew there could have been a moment, so he ended up quitting the company that week and told Kirsten he was leaving town.

And I thought, okay...maybe this is where the boundary finally holds.

But then right before he leaves, he gives her a gift.

A necklace.

And then he kisses her.

In her own home.

With her spouse not there.

And then later, when Sandy sees the necklace and says it is beautiful, asks if it is new, she says yeah, I just got it.

But leaves out the most important part.

That it came from another man.

That is what I am talking about...

It is not just the kiss is it???

It is the positioning.

The time.

The environment.

The secrecy.

The emotions.

The lie.

The gift.

The omission of it all...

I mean again...at that point, how can you still call that a marriage?

Because what is a marriage?

.....

It is not just a last name.

It is not just living together.

It is not just time spent together.

It is not just years together.

It is vows.

For better or for worse.

For richer or for poorer.

In sickness and in health.

For all the days of our lives...

That means:

When things are good.

And when things are not.

When you feel close.

And when you feel distant.

You stay.

You choose each other.

You protect it.

You do not start building emotional connections outside of it.

You do not start entertaining other people.

You do not start creating opportunities.

Those vows mean something.

At least they are supposed to.

Because otherwise…

It stops being a covenant

and starts being convenience.

And I cannot respect that.

The Reality About Today:

And that is what really got me.

There are other storylines in the show.

Teenagers...for crying out loud...

High school relationships.

Messy younger people.

Drama that does not even involve cheating...in this show and I'm like okay..there ya go!

I'm on season 2 ( No one ruin anything for me lol)

Ironically the one actual married couple, the one I had the most faith in, the one I actually respected, the one that looked the strongest and healthiest in the beginning, turns out to be the most unstable marriage on the show.

That is insane to me.

Because I really did fall in love with that marriage at first.

They felt solid.

They felt safe.

They felt loyal.

They felt mature.

They felt grounded.

They felt like they had values.

That is why it hit so hard when it all started unraveling.

Because you are not just reacting to a kiss.

You are reacting to everything that led up to it.

And the truth is simple:

If you do not put yourself in those positions, you do not end up there.

You do not have the conversations.

You do not create the closeness.

You do not keep spending the time.

You do not create the atmosphere.

Then feelings do not grow.

Attachment does not form.

Lines do not blur.

Because those things are meant for your spouse.

That emotional closeness.

That vulnerability.

That feeling seen and heard.

That inside joke energy.

That fun.

That comfort.

That depth.

That is what builds intimacy in a marriage.

That is what should be poured into your spouse.

And this is the problem these days.

People stop pouring into their relationship.

Things get hard.

Things get routine.

Things get distant.

Things get boring.

Things get stressful.

Really hard...

And instead of turning toward each other, they start looking outside of the relationship.

They vent to someone else.

They laugh with someone else.

They feel understood by someone else.

They feel seen by someone else.

They feel excitement with someone else.

And then they act shocked when it becomes more.

It is not shocking...

....It is the result.

And it is exhausting how normalized it has become.

My husband said this recently about the shows and movies we watch

He always notices how Hollywood keeps pushing it like it is normal.

Like everybody cheats.

Like everybody has emotional affairs.

Like everybody is one private dinner away from betrayal.

Like everybody just gets caught up.

And it is so disgusting to me how common they make it look.

My husband literally said,

“I guess if we want to watch something without cheating we are going to have to make it ourselves.”

Because it is everywhere.

Unless it is a Disney movie

or a Christian movie...

So lately?

That is what we have been watching togethe...

They are just shoving it down everyone’s throat because it is so normalized now... Desensitizing us...

And it is honestly just sad.

He looked at me and said,

“Maybe it is for everyone else...normal..But not us.”

And he grabbed my hand and said it again,

“Not us.”

"Not us" I said back, squeezing his hand.

And we just sat there, looking at each other.

Proud.

So ask yourself right now:

How many times have you seen cheating come up in shows or movies you have watched?

Really think about it.

And more importantly, have you ever seen it in real life?

Have you ever been affected by it?

Have you ever known someone who did it?

Have you ever been dangerously close to it?

Have you ever been the one who was cheated on?

Have you ever been the other person in someone else’s mess without even realizing how deep you were getting in?

Have you ever been the one who did it?

Because at this point, most people have been touched by it somehow.

And that says a lot.

But here is the part people do not talk about enough.

Do not think there have not been opportunities in my marriage.

Because there have.

The enemy comes to steal and kill and destroy.

There have been women who have messaged my husband.

There have been men who have messaged me.

Strangers.

Old friends.

Old connections.

People from the past.

Old lovers.

And every single time, we bring it to each other.

We talk about it.

Nothing is hidden.

Nothing is secret.

Nothing is protected from the other person.

Even if something comes up in a dream, I tell my husband.

That is how open I am with him.

And he has told me before that he has never experienced that kind of openness, honesty, and rawness with anyone else.

He respects me deeply for it.

And I feel the exact same way about him.

Because that is what a real marriage looks like to me.

Open.

Honest.

Raw.

Real.

Accountable.

Transparent.

And we would not want it any other way.

Because our marriage is guarded.

Not restricted.

Guarded.

Protected.

We do not even create the opportunity.

That is the whole point.

If the opportunity is removed, it cannot grow.

That is exactly why we made a decision.

No friendships with the opposite sex.

People ask all the time,

How have you stayed together so long?

How has your marriage lasted?

This is why.

Because you protect it.

And if you think that is too much…

wait until you hear this...

We share location.

Yessss....

We have since we were dating.

For almost 6 years now...

And yes… we know each other’s passwords too.

There is nothing we do not have access to.

Nothing we hide.

Not Because we have to.

Because We agreed to since the beginning.

Because we want to.

Because that is what a protected marriage looks like.

Not secrecy.

Not hidden conversations.

Not private access that your spouse is excluded from.

But full transparency.

We do not keep doors cracked open.

We do not keep access to others available.

We remove it completely.

Because that is how you protect a marriage.

I created this blog.

Kristen, Unfiltered....

Because the world teaches you to filter everything.

To soften things.

To hide the truth.

To say things in a way that is more acceptable.

But that is not me.

I created this space to speak unfiltered.

To say what people are thinking but will not say out loud.

To be honest about things people avoid.

And I will admit something in that same unfiltered way.

I have been the other woman before...

And I have also known a bunch of people who have cheated, and all the things that led up to it.

And I can tell you that it does not start with the physical.

It starts with the first conversation.

The continued talking.

The comfort building.

The time spent together.

The getting to know each other.

The emotional connection forming.

And looking back now, I can see every sign.

I can see everything that led up to it.

Everything that should not have been happening while someone was already in a relationship.

And we have seen this from every angle.

We both have had people in our lives who developed feelings for us.

And we have also been the friends who fell in love with each other, starting as best friends and watching that connection grow into something deeper.

So we understand how it happens.

We understand how something that feels small can slowly grow into something that is not small at all.

And that is exactly why I will never believe the sentence, “it just happened.”

Because even when love is right, look at how much leads up to falling in love.

How much builds before anything physical ever happens.

So why would cheating be any different?

It is not.

From real life to shows to movies, it is all the same.

That is why I named this blog "Cheating Doesn’t Start With a Kiss."

And the people who think this is controlling or forced or miserable

or too extreme

are usually the ones who:

Have already had an affair

Are close to having one

Would have one

Or have already had someone catch feelings in those “just friends” situations

Because you cannot play in those environments and expect nothing to grow.

We both know that first hand..

And deep down .... so do you.

Because that is not how humans work...

You are not going to fall in love with your mailman.

Or a random stranger at the grocery store.

Or someone at the doctor’s office.

That is not how it happens.

(Maybe in the movies)

It happens through time.

Access.

Conversation.

Closeness.

Because I also do not believe in cheating when there is always another option.

If you have genuinely gotten to the point where you have feelings for someone else, then leave.

End the relationship.

Then go do whatever you want.

At least then you are not betraying someone.

Is it still shady if it happens really fast after a breakup or divorce? Sure, maybe.

But at least it is not cheating.

Breaking someone...

You cannot have your cake and eat it too.

You do not get to stay in a relationship, betray someone, do whatever you want on the side, and then come back and act like that is love.

That is not love.

That is selfishness.

And that is breaking your vows.

Like Kirsten and Sandy..over and over.

And another thing I do not believe is that people do not know.

You know.

You can feel when something is shifting.

You can feel when the tension changes.

You can feel when the environment changes.

You can feel when feelings are forming.

You know when somebody likes you.

You know when you like them.

You know when something has gone past friendship.

We are human beings.

We are not that clueless.

And if you are entertaining it anyway, then you are allowing it to happen.

That is exactly why I believe what I believe.

If you do not even entertain it, it cannot grow.

If you do not talk to the opposite sex one on one, it cannot turn into something more.

That is why this matters so much to me.

Because it is not just about a show or a movie...

It is about values.

It is about what people are normalizing.

It is about how casually betrayal gets packaged as chemistry, tension, excitement, or human weakness.

And I reject that.

I do not believe in love that flirts with betrayal.

I do not believe in almost cheating.

I do not believe in blurred lines.

I do not believe in secret emotional intimacy outside of marriage.

I believe in clear boundaries.

Intentional choices.

Open honesty.

Protected access.

Even biblically, this is clear.

It does not start with the act.

It starts in the heart.

It starts in the mind.

It starts with what you entertain.

That is why Scripture tells us to guard our hearts.

Because what you allow is what grows.

And I refuse to allow anything that could grow into betrayal.

I also believe nothing real can grow from betrayal...

I've never seen anything started in the dark last in the light...

Have you?

And to Hollywood, and to the entertainment industry as a whole…

Be more responsible with the stories you tell.

Because some of us have had the opportunity...

And still chose not to.

Not because we “couldn’t.”

Not because we “didn’t have the chance.”

But because we respect our spouse.

Because we choose to do what we would want them to choose.

Because even when things are hard, we actually love the person we are with.

And we want it to work.

We are not looking for a way out.

We are not revisiting the past.

We are not opening doors that should stay closed.

Would be easier to jump ship sometimes?

Sureeeee

In the beginning...

Yeaahh...

Because it doesn't matter who you're with you're gonna have problems with anyone.

Because we're all human, and we're all flawed.

It could be easier to start over...

But easy is not the same as right.

Commitment means choosing your spouse ...even when it is not convenient.

Even when it is not exciting.

Even when it takes work.

Even when It hurts.

That is real love.

And if you want to show passion…

if you want to show desire…

if you want to show something real…

Show a couple choosing each other again.

Show a husband and wife rebuilding that connection and falling in love again...

Reigniting what they already have.

Choosing to pour into their marriage instead of stepping outside of it.

Make that the story.

Make loyalty feel powerful again.

Make commitment feel deep again.

Make choosing your spouse feel meaningful again.

Because that is where real intimacy lives...

Some of us are building marriages that are intentional.

Protected.

God-centered.

And we do not see ourselves reflected in what you keep pushing.

So maybe it is time to start telling different stories too.

Stories where people choose their spouse.

Stories where boundaries are respected.

Stories where commitment actually means something.

Because your cheating bits gone stale...

Not everybody lives like that.

Not everybody believes in that.

And not everybody wants to watch that.

Some of us still believe in loyalty.

In commitment.

In protecting what we said yes to.

Some of us still take our vows seriously.

Because it is not normal...

It is just normalized...

Because at the end of the day, this is what I believe with my whole chest:

Cheating is preventable.

And cheating does not just happen.

It is a choice.

Period.

✌️🎤

Kristen,Unfiltered Xo 💋

“Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it.”- Proverbs 4:23